יום ראשון, אפריל 02, 2006

This one is for J: to Pray or ?

Few thoughts about Prayer
I find it challenging to pray to begin with. I guess that years of being late to prayers at school, failing to be on time for this duty and the guilt involved left a mark. Not understanding how come I can lead (not very sucssesfully) the tefilah in an all girls service only, but not on the Youth movements hikes where we were pushed to the back and only men were involved, just like the grown up`s synagogues, did not help.
Reflecting on the architecture of many synagogues, Men on the floor level easy to get to, and women up stairs, sometimes pregnant, some time carrying a child or two or a buggy, and all the stairs, did not help.
Being the only single women above 25 doesnt help. (where are the othert single women Pray? surely we have the most to pray for)
Seeing diffrent interactions, feeling someone`s hurt, as if its one`s fault not mastering the private language of tefilah. No help here.
Realizing how little some women here know about prayers, and how much men know made me upset.
But if I am not much into prayingto begin with, why should I care that much??? Good question.

One of my favourite Poets - Amir Gilboa writes (in Hebrew, the English, and all the mistakes are mine)

I pray from the heart a siddur
torn edges all the words missing I
see them floating for a while floating
and asking rest for thier feet how
can I bring them rest and the heart
of my siddur is eaten in the edges
less and naked

(Amir Gilboa. All poems vol.b)
(I transaleted Shulayim to edges, let me know if you have a better idea)
Amir Gilboa writes about not being able to pray from Siddur - Siddur comes from Seder - Order, the write order, well organized. Maybe that`s part of my problem , not problem but challenge. I dont agree with this kind of order.
In my heart some of the words of the siddur cannot find transalation to what I feel, and I tried what the Mamonides recommends, the heart will follow the action, but it doesnt help.

I admire those who havent given up on Praying, for them Tefilah is a dynamic expirience, thier heart is there, they can add thier beautiful soul to the ancient words and create a space for the soul to grow.

My private battle is my own floating words of my naked heart.

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